Grandma's Prayers

Grandma Winnie was my dad's mom. Grandma used to tell me about the time she visited a Swedish Evangelical Covenant Church in WI when she was 11 years old. She didn't understand Swedish so she and her friend giggled in the front pews. Midway through his sermon the pastor stopped, looked at them and scolded them in Swedish. The 2 girls found out later that the pastor was telling them, "You may laugh now, but the time is coming when you will no longer laugh."

She loved us kids (all 7 of us) so much! We all took turns going to her house and visiting; it's something we loved more than anything. My dad would drive one of us to her house to spend the day with her as she took us to a toy store to buy a toy with $1.00. During the day, Grandma would shower us with love and individual attention. The days with Grandma were the happiest days of my childhood... until I got older. By the time I got into middle school I no longer looked forward to my days with grandma. My brothers and sisters and I all felt grandma was a sweetheart, but old and quaint and ... rather religious.

On one occasion after one of my brothers said something that was not good I said, 'Watch out, Grandma's praying for you." We laughed.

Finding New Suppliers

November 1971 It's amazing how fast drug users find others who use and others who supply. I boarded the Coast Guard Sweetgum in the early afternoon to report to duty and put to work for the rest of the day. By the end of that day I knew who my next two friends were and how I was going to get my drugs. My two friends weren't as heavy into drugs as I was, but they did use and could find me ways to secure what I needed. They warned me to keep drugs off of the ship because there were periodic raids. I was o.k. with that. 

Several months later I would look on the black and white photos of one of them with his face blown off lying with a pool of blood. His girlfriend said he shot himself with a shotgun, but nobody believed her. I often wondered, would that have been me if I had continued with these two friends? 

 During my first day on the ship I asked people what there was to do in Jacksonville. I was, in fact fishing for information about who did what with their time off. That was how I found my two friends. I also asked a guy named Brian that day the same question. He told me that some people liked to party and get drunk and others on the ship liked to go to church. Later that night I saw Brian talking about Jesus to somebody else on the ship; it looked like somebody had asked him some questions about his faith. I was cool with it. Brian didn't look like the Jesus Freaks that came to my High School, but then none of us looked like that anymore - we gave up our hair to Uncle Sam. 

 During the next day I worked on the deck scraping old paint off and putting new paint on until 5:00 in the afternoon. After work I ate and then showered. Now the shower was a community bathroom with several stalls for taking showers. I was just getting out of one when Brian came into the bathroom and told me he was going to the store. He asked me if I would like anything. I jumped at the opportunity because I forgot to bring laundry detergent. So I asked him if he wouldn't mind getting me some detergent. I, however, had to wait to get him some money and asked him if he wouldn't mind waiting while I got downstairs to get my money. A strange look came on Brian's face, a look that I saw over and over again with him in the future. Brian looked like he was struggling - struggling inside - struggling with his thoughts. 

Whenever I saw Brian with that look on his face, every time I saw him like that, something big was about to happen.

Born Again

All Soul's Day - November 1971

Brian had a strange look on his face, kind of like he was struggling inside himself, fighting with common sense or something else. I would see it again several times and every time I saw it something amazing was going to happen. He invited me to go with him to the grocery store and I accepted his offer. I went down to my locker, got dressed, grabbed a pack of cigarettes and we were off.

In the car I told Brian about my experience with Mr. Gunderson and the Jesus Freaks (see past posts). I really don't know what Brian heard in what I said, but his response was the most powerful words I ever heard... ever, "Satan is a deceiver and often comes in the form of God. There is only one way to God and that is through Jesus Christ." How he came up with this is still a mystery to me, but what happened inside of me was beyond words.

As Brian told me that Satan can come in the form of God, my mind went back to the times I talked to "god" on my acid trips. My eyes were opened - I understood clearly who I was talking to on those trips. As Brian told me there was only one way to God my mind raced to the years of my religious upbringing, I was taught to use the church, the sacraments, and the priests as a way to God, but Jesus was somehow so distant in all that. I never used Jesus to get to God.

In those two sentences Brian pointed to, and tore down, every "God experience" I knew or had. I saw that not only the drugs, but my whole life was tied to a subtle deceiver called "Satan." I say "subtle" because I never knew, suspected or guessed until that moment in the car on All Souls' Day 1971.

Within the millisecond of Brian's two sentences I was flooded with a wave of regret, disappointment and sorrow mixed with a flood of relief, hope and joy for knowing that at long last I was faced with the answer to life. I was overwhelmed.

Poor Brian. For the next 45 minutes as he tried to concentrate on his mental shopping list, I peppered him with question after question, after question. It was too much for Brian who didn't know how to handle me, so he took me over to Dr. Fowler's house.

Dr. Fowler was the President of the Full Gospel Businessmen chapter in Jacksonville, FL. The FGB was built out of a large group of business men throughout the U.S.A. They were also very Charismatic - something I knew nothing about - never even heard of them. Anyway, so we got to his door and Brian and I were greeted by this big (but not overweight) guy with a big smile that bothered me (I thought it was phony - too much - not genuine... you get the picture). But while his teeth stared right at me, I pushed aside all my feelings about it so I could find out what I needed to do. I remember thinking, "I don't care what he looks like, I need what he has to offer."

After proper introductions we sat down on a couch in his living room while his wife brought in some iced tea - a traditional Southern beverage. Brian told him a little about my questions and Dr. Fowler went right to the quick, "Do you want to give your life to Christ?" I had no idea what he was talking about; all I knew is that I wanted it with everything in me. So he and Brian got up and put their hands on me. Dr. Fowler told me to repeat after him - I felt uneasy repeating but would allow nothing to stand between me and getting to where I needed. So I repeated, "Dear Heavenly Father, I come to you in Jesus name. I know that I am a sinner and I know that I need you. Please come into my life. Forgive me for my sins, I surrender my life to you in Jesus name. Amen." Actually I don't remember what we prayed, in fact, I wasn't really paying attention to what I was praying, I just wanted to do what was needed.

I felt weird with two guys placing their hands on me and all, but again, it didn't matter - I had to get what I needed. After Dr. Fowler prayed with me he told me about a second experience that Christians can get called the Baptism of the Holy Spirit. Again I had no clue. And while their hands were on me the Dr. began to pray that I would be filled with the Holy Spirit. He stopped praying long enough to tell me something about a new language. I really didn't know anything about it, never heard of it before (although had I put 2 and 2 together I would have remembered the Jesus Freak at my school), but as soon as we went back into prayer I began to speak in tongues without any fanfare. There was no ecstatic feeling or anything, I just prayed in another language I didn't understand.

We wrapped up prayer and Brian and I headed back to the ship. It was a 20 minute ride of mostly silence. I was so mixed with joy and sorrow that I just zeroed out. I broke the silence only once as I realized how clueless I was about what I was getting into. I asked Brian, "How can live this?" While Brian struggled with that look, I heard inside the first words from God, "If I brought you from where you were to this point, how much more, now that you belong to me, I will lead you from here." Brian still struggled with what to say, but I didn't need whatever response he had. I knew already.

Hearing God was not the booming voice one imagines from movies. Instead it is a quiet understanding. Sometimes that all it is, but sometimes God speaks more clearly.

As I sat in the front seat and began making my plans on how to get rid of my hash and pipe. I thought I would have a great burial with some ritualistic celebration of some kind, but realized quickly that this would be what Satan would want - keep it where I could go back to it when I was weak. So when we got back to the ship, I went to my locker, grabbed the hash and my pipe and went to the deck. As I looked down into the dark waters of Jacksonville River, I prayed, "Lord, I have tried to quit so many times, but have always gone back to it. May I never regret what I am doing." I threw it all into the Jacksonville River and went to bed.

I have never regretted or gone back.

Feelings

November 1971

Brian was an amazing Evangelist. Under the impact of two short sentences I left one life and set out on a completely unknown path. I got rid of the drugs I had with me and woke up the next morning with a new feeling in me. It felt good, not euphoric, but good. The night before I was too perplexed, too much in the middle of so many feelings that I was like a conductor that had been overloaded with too much power. I was emotionless as a result. But the next morning I woke up and my feelings came alive.

I remembered quite clearly what had transpired the night before and I felt like God was in me. I was actually surprised that I felt this the day after my experience with Brian. In fact, I continued to feel great for several days. I felt like God was with me and accepting me. But days later I woke up feeling down, so I went to Brian and told him what I was feeling, "Is God angry with me or something?

Brian told me that it was natural to feel ups and downs and that eventually they should calm down to some degree. I think Brian was trying to tell me that I shouldn't guage my relationship with God on feelings.

It Takes a Village

November 1971

In the days that followed my new found faith, I discovered that almost one third of people on the ship were Christian - most of them had come to faith through Brian. He was a tremendous evangelist. But Brian didn't disciple. He led people to faith, got them to church and then let them on their own, so I never had a mentor, discipler, or whatever you want to call him or her. For years that bothered me because I was left on my own to fend for my own. I had to struggle through so many basic things, make so many mistakes, face so many trials without one person working with me to help me.

But I was not alone. I had a ship filled with fellow Christians who all chipped in to help me start my journey.

Mike was the first to step in. Mike was an overweight Asian American mix who use to say a bigger vehicle needs more fuel (he was talking about his need for so much food). Months after I met Mike I was surprised that he ended up with a very sweet good looking wife - he was not a good looking guy and had a very different personality that kept me from ever becoming close to him. I guess she found something in Mike that I never saw.

The day after my new found faith began, Mike told me that I needed a Bible, so he gave me a King James Version bible. He told me to begin by reading the book of John. The King James language didn't bother me for some reason. I guess when I came across archaic words or theological words I didn't understand, I simply guessed at the meanings by how the words were used in their context, and believe it or not, I was right most of the time. I had never heard single verses quoted before, so I naturally read sentences within the context of chapters, and chapters in their book surroundings, and of course, words within their sentence surrounding.

For the first Sundas as a new born believer, Brian took me to church on Sunday with some of the other guys. We went to South-Side Assemblies of God in Jacksonville which I will talk about later. From that day on, I connected with South Side and hitchhiked many times from the ship into town to get every service I could, Sundays and Wednesdays. I also went to youth groups and any event that they had.

 Even though I don't remember that first service I remember driving back from church in the backseat of Brian's car. Church was a new experience and I needed a cigarette afterwards so asked Brian if I could smoke in his car. He had me unroll the window. Well, it was Florida - it was warm.

One of the officers whose name I don't remember was one of the rare Christians who did not come to faith through Brian's witness. He was Southern Baptist of the Fundamentalist persuasion. His passion in life was getting Brian's converts baptized in water being fully immersed at First Baptist Church in downtown Jacksonville before thousands of worshipers. So the second Sunday after my experience of faith, that same officer brought me to First Baptist Church where before thousands of people I was fully immersed in water.

The difference in worship services was subtle. Both seemed very excited about God, but the South Side Assemblies of God was so much more verbally and emotionally involved. At the time I had no idea there were doctrinal differences; I had no idea that the pastor of the Fundamentalist Baptist church was saying that praying in tongues was from the devil himself. I just liked the Assemblies of God better.

Tommy Booth arrived at the U.S. Sweetgum months before me. Before he became a Christian through Brian's witness, he was a Southern drinking, fighting and bar-hopping Redneck. I was a hippie wannabe who hated the types that started fights. He hated hippies. But we became best friends right away. We were both passionate about our new faith and we both were novices at it. We also both had vices we had left; his was alcohol, mine was different forms of smoking substances and swallowing pills. Most of all, we were both extremely zealous about following Jesus. Neither one of us thought twice about carrying a bible anywhere. Neither one of us thought twice about talking about Jesus to anybody, in front of anybody. Some new Christians can be a little nauseating at times - we were very nauseating... and yet as you will see, it oftentimes had an amazing effect on people around us.

Then there was Ron. Ron was not like Tom and me. Whereas Tom and I were openly zealous about Jesus, Ron was quiet. Around 40 people on a 210 foot ship is no place for anybody to live privately, so we all saw each other all the time. Over 2 dozen of us slept in the same room, bathed in the same showers, lived in the same quarters. So even though Ron may have been quieter about his faith, one would oftentimes see him sitting in a quiet place on the ship with a bible in one hand and a cigarette in the other. He could never quite kick the habit. A year later he was transferred to another ship and like Brian he led many to the faith.

These were the strongest Christians who had most influence on my lives. There were others who came and went, but these were there most of the time I was and helped me discover the way I should go.

Rock and Roll Music

November 1971

I don't know who first told me that Rock and Roll was from the devil, but within the first week I quit listening to it which meant I didn't listen to anything. A lot of the early rock and roll came from down South and it was the Southerners who were also very much against the music that was considered to be from the devil himself.

I heard many preachers wail against it. I was told that when Moses came down from the mountain with the 10 commandments he heard noise in the camp and that noise was rock and roll music (3000 years before it came into being). I was informed that the Rock and Roll beat was straight out of the jungles of Africa. I heard stories of Christian Africans who heard it shuttering at the beat they heard because in the darkest of Africa, non-believing Africans use the same beat to conjure up evil spirits.

I was told Rock and Roll was evil, so I turned off the radio, threw out the few tapes I brought with me (I only remember Paul McCarney's RAM) and prepared to get rid of my 81 albums in Milwaukee, WI next time home.

In hindsight, I don't regret stepping away from Rock for a while, as my whole life was entrenched in Rock and Roll and drugs. Rock and drugs were too connected for me. I needed a time out to evaluate.

Other things that I learned that were bad for Christians were smoking, drinking any alcohol, gambling, dancing (it was considered erotic and led to sex), smoking, and going to movies (theaters may have a G rated movie today but will have an X rated one tomorrow, so the G rated one supports the X rated one). Playing with cards was considered bad to some people, but not others. Those who did consider playing cards evil said that the faces on the face cards were demonic.

Some of these taboos were remnants of the early reactions to Rock and Roll, other taboos came from the influence of the 19th Century holiness movement. I was under the spell of both influences.

The Family Finds Out

November 1971

I am the second oldest of three brothers and three sisters. Until I left home my younger brothers and sisters looked up to me for two things in particular:

1. Music - I and my friends usually a step ahead of the rest of our grade for what was good. I listened to a lot of bands before they were big, such as Chicago, Moody Blues, Jethro Tull, Mountain, Steve Miller Band, Fleetwood Mac, Led Zepplin, Alice Cooper, and others. Other bands were never big, but were interesting - Bloodwyn Pig, It's a Beautiful Day, D.O.A and the like. My younger brothers and sisters liked what I got.

Marc (my older brother) was into Folk music which didn't spark much interest in me or the others, but he did introduce me to Cat Stevens and Simon and Garfunkel's last album.

2. I was also the model of what not to do with the rest of the kids. They looked at me and decided to take more careful routes to doing things. They still got in trouble, but learned some valuable lessons in how to avoid some of the nastier stuff.

All in all though, we were and still are a close family.

The first night I called home after my conversion, was just after a Wednesday night Bible Study at the house next door to South Side Assemblies of God. I called from there because there was only one phone on the ship. I called collect.

I had planned on keeping my experience with God a secret until I got home on leave (vacation), but my plan didn't work out so well. The first thing my dad said as he answered the phone, "Where are you?" To which I answered, "I'm at church." My dad was audibly bewildered. "What are you doing at a church?" Although I don't remember the rest of our conversation, I do remember my sister Cindy (one year younger than me) getting on the phone, "Ted, what are you doing at a church? Do you know where I'm going right now?" "No," I responded. "I'm going with a friend to a Bible Study."

When I left church in 7th grade it was because Cindy wanted to skip Mass with me...we did and neither one of us went much more. Out of all my syblings I was closest to Cindy. During our High School we grew very close: I dated some of her friends, she dated some of mine; we went to parties together and we shared our struggles, dating advice and triumphs with each other.

The night I called from Jacksonville was her first night of regularly participating in a Bible Study.