Born Again

All Soul's Day - November 1971

Brian had a strange look on his face, kind of like he was struggling inside himself, fighting with common sense or something else. I would see it again several times and every time I saw it something amazing was going to happen. He invited me to go with him to the grocery store and I accepted his offer. I went down to my locker, got dressed, grabbed a pack of cigarettes and we were off.

In the car I told Brian about my experience with Mr. Gunderson and the Jesus Freaks (see past posts). I really don't know what Brian heard in what I said, but his response was the most powerful words I ever heard... ever, "Satan is a deceiver and often comes in the form of God. There is only one way to God and that is through Jesus Christ." How he came up with this is still a mystery to me, but what happened inside of me was beyond words.

As Brian told me that Satan can come in the form of God, my mind went back to the times I talked to "god" on my acid trips. My eyes were opened - I understood clearly who I was talking to on those trips. As Brian told me there was only one way to God my mind raced to the years of my religious upbringing, I was taught to use the church, the sacraments, and the priests as a way to God, but Jesus was somehow so distant in all that. I never used Jesus to get to God.

In those two sentences Brian pointed to, and tore down, every "God experience" I knew or had. I saw that not only the drugs, but my whole life was tied to a subtle deceiver called "Satan." I say "subtle" because I never knew, suspected or guessed until that moment in the car on All Souls' Day 1971.

Within the millisecond of Brian's two sentences I was flooded with a wave of regret, disappointment and sorrow mixed with a flood of relief, hope and joy for knowing that at long last I was faced with the answer to life. I was overwhelmed.

Poor Brian. For the next 45 minutes as he tried to concentrate on his mental shopping list, I peppered him with question after question, after question. It was too much for Brian who didn't know how to handle me, so he took me over to Dr. Fowler's house.

Dr. Fowler was the President of the Full Gospel Businessmen chapter in Jacksonville, FL. The FGB was built out of a large group of business men throughout the U.S.A. They were also very Charismatic - something I knew nothing about - never even heard of them. Anyway, so we got to his door and Brian and I were greeted by this big (but not overweight) guy with a big smile that bothered me (I thought it was phony - too much - not genuine... you get the picture). But while his teeth stared right at me, I pushed aside all my feelings about it so I could find out what I needed to do. I remember thinking, "I don't care what he looks like, I need what he has to offer."

After proper introductions we sat down on a couch in his living room while his wife brought in some iced tea - a traditional Southern beverage. Brian told him a little about my questions and Dr. Fowler went right to the quick, "Do you want to give your life to Christ?" I had no idea what he was talking about; all I knew is that I wanted it with everything in me. So he and Brian got up and put their hands on me. Dr. Fowler told me to repeat after him - I felt uneasy repeating but would allow nothing to stand between me and getting to where I needed. So I repeated, "Dear Heavenly Father, I come to you in Jesus name. I know that I am a sinner and I know that I need you. Please come into my life. Forgive me for my sins, I surrender my life to you in Jesus name. Amen." Actually I don't remember what we prayed, in fact, I wasn't really paying attention to what I was praying, I just wanted to do what was needed.

I felt weird with two guys placing their hands on me and all, but again, it didn't matter - I had to get what I needed. After Dr. Fowler prayed with me he told me about a second experience that Christians can get called the Baptism of the Holy Spirit. Again I had no clue. And while their hands were on me the Dr. began to pray that I would be filled with the Holy Spirit. He stopped praying long enough to tell me something about a new language. I really didn't know anything about it, never heard of it before (although had I put 2 and 2 together I would have remembered the Jesus Freak at my school), but as soon as we went back into prayer I began to speak in tongues without any fanfare. There was no ecstatic feeling or anything, I just prayed in another language I didn't understand.

We wrapped up prayer and Brian and I headed back to the ship. It was a 20 minute ride of mostly silence. I was so mixed with joy and sorrow that I just zeroed out. I broke the silence only once as I realized how clueless I was about what I was getting into. I asked Brian, "How can live this?" While Brian struggled with that look, I heard inside the first words from God, "If I brought you from where you were to this point, how much more, now that you belong to me, I will lead you from here." Brian still struggled with what to say, but I didn't need whatever response he had. I knew already.

Hearing God was not the booming voice one imagines from movies. Instead it is a quiet understanding. Sometimes that all it is, but sometimes God speaks more clearly.

As I sat in the front seat and began making my plans on how to get rid of my hash and pipe. I thought I would have a great burial with some ritualistic celebration of some kind, but realized quickly that this would be what Satan would want - keep it where I could go back to it when I was weak. So when we got back to the ship, I went to my locker, grabbed the hash and my pipe and went to the deck. As I looked down into the dark waters of Jacksonville River, I prayed, "Lord, I have tried to quit so many times, but have always gone back to it. May I never regret what I am doing." I threw it all into the Jacksonville River and went to bed.

I have never regretted or gone back.